2016

This is very difficult for me to write. I definitely closed up a lot, but I feel like that year taught me a lot about myself and others. I started 2016 with ending a long commute to Baltimore, recovering from a small attack, fighting with insurance, and taking lots of drugs! Whooo Hooo! By Easter I relapsed into another attack. I don’t think the one from 2015 ever cleared but just escalated.

I noticed my gait was changing and driving was becoming more difficult. Crap!! I can’t hide from telling people what’s up. Hardest thing ever to get real with people, open up, and take the judgement/criticism (or atleast what i am scared of). I pushed a lot of people away. There was a lot of anger expressed to God and pleading with Him too! Oh, and in two months I was standing beside my best friend as she married her best friend. I wasn’t going to miss this. Made it to the bridal shower. I look at pictures of the happy memories and then notice how frail and tired I look. Have I mentioned I am my worst critic? At the rehearsal I take a tumble down a hill in baker park and limped to the venue. I iced that night and was off to get ready with the girls the next morning. We caravanned down to the venue and I don’t even know what happened next. I don’t even know if she knows? I swiped a parked car and continued on to the wedding! I was maid of honor and I couldn’t hold up the wedding!! My knee buckled a few times during the ceremony and I probably would have fallen flat on my face if not for the best man catching me. It was my best friend’s happiest day of her life and I was concerned with letting her down. Well after some liquid courage I make it through the important maid of honor speech, voice shaking, and then sat through most of the dances. We sent them off with sparklers and I drive home to deal with the fall out of my car. I was too proud and embarrassed to admit what happened to my car and made stuff up. I was too proud to think I did anything serious to myself and continued on walks, hikes, and gym routines.

After about a year of hurting and blaming what I was feeling on MS I was unable to ignore the pain anymore and seek’d out an orthopedic doctor. I did an x-ray, an MRI of the knee, saw a physical therapist, did a cortisone shot, and did some knee strengthening exercises. I was then recommended to see a surgeon because they couldn’t explain why nothing was working. He was 80% sure I tore my meniscus and set a surgery date. Scared and unsure I delayed it till I got a third opinion which was no help, best written description would be someone shrugging their shoulders. I went ahead with the surgery December 2017 and found out afterwards that It wasn’t my meniscus that was torn but the cartilage that lays right behind it. The surgeon came out saying I don’t know how she did it, but she did, and the bones were rubbing against each other. Owww!!

This whole year I was seeing an endocrinologist for my thyroid. He was treating it with high doses of medication and vitamins. Long story short I was overdosing my thyroid. I fell asleep a lot LIKE A LOT, behind the wheel, hanging with friends, and family gatherings. It was getting really embarrassing and it caused a lot of self-doubt. I can say the last 2 years were difficult, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. God is rebuilding some stuff and guiding me through what forgiveness looks like. With his help, maybe i can start forgiving myself.