MS Broke My Body but I Will Never Stop, Never Quit

Confirming I have multiple sclerosis intensifies my desire to live more intentionally. I had to address my mortality at a very early age and ponder how I hoped to leave it. However, I’ve come to realize that there is more value in the quality of life than the quantity of life. I have resolved that I will do whatever I can, while I can, fully living in this moment. Hey, if I can do something, no matter how hard it is, then I am going to commit to doing it. Not because I won’t be able to do it someday in the future, but because it somehow makes me feel independent and capable.

I will always find a way to help others, physically, spiritually, and it may seem weird but mentally. MS might have broken my coordination or physical strength, but I am always going to invest in my friends and make sure that no matter how far away we are from each other I still care about their lives. How can I pray for you? May I bring something? Let’s have a phone/skype date!?! There's a balance between "turning the other cheek" (Matthew 5:39) and "not throwing our pearls to pigs" (Matthew 7:6) I don’t want my issues with MS and my health to allow me to live a life that is less than ordinary. Some days, yes, the fatigue and momentary issues may hold me back, and that’s ok…but the days that I feel the best, I want to make the most of those days. The world can knock me down, this disease can knock me down, but each day we are given another chance. I’m going to take every day and every chance I get, and while some days I may fall short, I’m going to do my best. That’s all I can do, right? There are ways to make something beautiful, valuable, and meaningful even in instances such as these, we just have to have the strength to find them.

I’ve been shy around hugs since high school. I guess it started going from doctor to doctor saying “jump like this” or “do this pattern with your fingers” and being confined to small spaces as they take pictures of my brain. I can still hear the humming in my head “Beep. Beep. BEEEEEP”. There are numerous other scenarios that I could list but I’m not trying to complain just give a picture of the why. It took my best friend giving me a token that awarded one hug a day that slowly got me out of the funk. LOL I had to work it into a speech at her wedding so the whole world knew how gracious and patient she was! I made new friends and I saw myself reverting to the cringes and awkward hugs that really forced me to look at it from the outside and analyze what it was hurting or what was I scared of? Could anyone like me for me?

This leads me to learning to trust all over again. I have mentioned before starting over seems like a requirement with every episode, on some scale of my life. Whether its learning a task all over again or how far to trust people. I will never stop teaching or re-teaching my body. I have great friends and I have lost friends. My body is already broken but my spirit is not! So, strengthening those friendships is very important to me.

Why I am writing this blog. I keep so much bottled inside. I don’t want to let anybody down or be a hindrance. It’s all I have left to risk and hope that God turns it into something beautiful. My life isn’t all happy go lucky, I have a lot of bad days. I have many days where I feel like I don’t do enough or make the best out of every situation. I have days where I hurt, and I lash out, and I feel like a failure. I have days where I mope, and I feel sorry for myself. I’m only human, and I tend to feel inadequate more times than I like. But, this situation has reminded me how I want to take each day as it comes and I want to do my best to cherish the small things more. I want to seize the day and do everything in my power to enjoy the everyday moments, even as repetitive and mundane that they sometimes may seem. I don’t just want to enjoy the moments, but truly enjoy and cherish the people in my life as well. And, I want to look back on the years of my life and know without a doubt that I lived fully.