Independent Spirit

A message at church hit me hard this morning. We talked about community and how God calls us to commune with others. Something I fight against on a daily basis. Why I don’t know? You see I hide behind my faults. Thinking no one could like a freak like me. But in Hebrews it says, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” The Bible does not say push people away! I love serving others, whether providing child care, organizing an event, or even making a meal. I will go out of my way to bless others but please don’t ask how I am.

As I write this I run into my high school nurse at brunch. She was such an encouragement through my high school years and walked through some difficult trials with me. She did the same for my brother years later. I literally cried myself home, thanking God for the reminders he gave me today.

Let’s start at the beginning. I was about 5 years old and I stubbornly looked at my mother and told her “I GOT THIS”. I was trying to convince her that I could be left alone in the apartment and I would take care of myself. That strong will continued throughout my life. I honestly believe that God gave me that spirit to prepare me for the trial ahead but at the same time I became so defiant I didn’t let anyone else in. I keep a very close safety net around me. I mean explaining MS to an adult is hard enough, try high school or the neighborhood.

Holding completely still in a MRI machine is hard at any stage of life, in high school when you are trying to make friends, college when you are trying to understand life on your own or trying to work professionally and planning time off work. I dove straight into work life. Let me get that down and I’ll worry about friends and family later

Taking drugs through IV with the hope that it will calm my immune system down enough to go back to a “normal” sense of life every 6-9 months. Please send me back to school I don’t want to go to the cancer treatment center anymore. I’d rather be on a first name basis with the local bartender than the weekend nurse. Then 10 years later finding out that your body has built up an immunity to the drug. Why can’t my body build an immunity to the disease? Switching to a stronger immune suppressant that gets jabbed into your stomach fat (yeah couldn’t think of a nicer word) but I can’t stab myself, so a family member takes on the responsibility. I need to figure you what normal means again and what it means for me.